Mild Mannered Trump

At a campaign stop today in Greenback SC, Donald Trump continued his controversial remarks. 

Asked who he considered a war hero he paused for a moment and then said “Well, I tell you who was not a war hero.  You know who was not a war hero?  Washington!”  When the audience settled down he continued, “I mean he lost the battle of Long Island, he abandoned New York to looting, he ran away into New Jersey.  He bungled Germantown and then spent a whole winter at Valley Forge doing nothing.  He only won because of a French bailout.  The frigging French, for God’s sake!  And it took him years,” Trump sneered, “Me and the guys I hire, we coulda done it in a coupla of months, tops, with Canada thrown in.”

Asked how he would help the economy, Trump quickly replied, “Those lazy bastards in Washington don’t even discuss the big issues, the ones that would make a difference.  Look at all our old people for instance.  We can’t support them, they don’t do much, just sit around getting fat.  We need to bring that whole thing under control.”  As applause softened, “I’ve had my staff looking into this scientifically, you know, and they tell me that by simply making the calendar year an even 500 days long, we could cut the age of every individual in the United States _ you and me, by the way _ by a third.  Think of that.  You could be a third younger.  But do those jerks in their fat chairs even think of solutions? Of course not, they’re not doers, not men of action.  And by the way, this simple step would also reduce property taxes everywhere by 33%.”

“And another thing, gravity.  Do you know how much the law of gravity costs the construction industry every year?  Billions, Trillions, Gazillions!  When I build something magnificent _ as I always do _ I have learned that gravity is our number one cost problem _ well, outside of building and safety inspectors, of course.”  Laughter.  “How hard can it be to launch a bipartisan effort to reduce the force of gravity all across this great land?  Who would oppose it?  Maybe the tax collectors weighing your gold.” More laughter. 

At this point the conference was interrupted by an aide rushing in and whispering in Mr. Trump’s ear, as two other aides rolled an old phone booth on stage.  A few moments later he flew off, his green cape emblazoned with its golden dollar sign flapping in the breeze.